Tantric coach Kika shares intimate passion secrets
“It is passion,” says Alexsandra (Kika) Marianetti, “when you feel completely alive.”
She’s a teacher and practitioner of Tantra—what she describes as “a meditative and spiritual path” which involves embracing sensuality alongside spirituality. Her goal is to help people become more comfortable in their own bodies, as well as in their intimate relationships with others.
It’s a great ideal to strive for. But what do you do when the passion in a relationship seems lost?
Kika recommends starting with a simple practice: Every day, tell your partner 10 things you authentically appreciate about them. Maybe it’s that they made breakfast or drove the kids to school. Maybe it’s as simple as “thank you for being here.” The important thing is that it’s authentic.
“Most people want to be seen and understood,” Kika says. “Every thought, action, or word out of you is creating connection or separation… Are you connecting or are you separating?”
To learn more about how to bring back the passion in your relationship, watch today’s episode and don’t forget to share it around and spread the passion.
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Moustafa: Hello everyone and welcome back to Passion Sundays, the best way to end the week and start another.
Our guest today is phenomenally passionate about passion and relationships and intimacy, Kika.
Moustafa: Thank you very much for being here today.
Kika: Thank you very much for having me on your show, so excited.
Moustafa: I’m very excited. It’s the first time I’ll have somebody like you on the show and first thing I wanna know, what does passion mean to you?
Kika: There’s passion when you feel completely alive. When you feel like every cell in your bones, everything is just bubbling with joy and you feel totally alive.
Kika: There’s nothing missing.
Moustafa: And what brings that?
Moustafa: What brings that?
Kika: Being present?
Kika: Being present is a big one. Letting go of the things that are holding you back to be fully here and not having your past dragging you down.
Kika: Being able to fully connect.
Kika: There’s so many things. Don’t have any internal conflicts…
Moustafa: That’s easier said than done especially in the context of relationships.
Moustafa: And especially in the context of, of kind of intimacy also.
Kika: Well first you have to have a connection between your sexuality and your spirituality right? There’s a lot of ah most of us, are not understanding this, our heart and our genitals are the same. They’re both sacred, they’re both need to be honored. If we think about that yoga and light, the entrance is up the spine, everything needs to be flowing. It’s like my jaw needs to be relaxed, the bottom needs to be relaxed…
Kika: Right? So I can be here and then it just fully flowing. I’m receiving energy from the earth and from the sky and then making love in my heart.
Kika: Yes. So if I’m missing, if I’m not connected with myself , if I deny, if I deny parts of myself, I don’t feel good about myself, I can’t show up and be fully present with you, and engage and feel you, that can fully connect with you without feeling tracking. And another thing is am I honoring my yesses and nos if my mind and belly are saying, I don’t want to be close to you but I go anyway there’ll be like…
Kika: Like this. But if I, if I’m actually listening to my belly and that’s why, that’s why most people got confused because, are we really listening to what our belly is saying? What your heart is saying? What our genitals are saying? What their minds are saying? What their spirit is saying?
Moustafa: I, I love how you bring it. Your passion for the topic is so obvious.
Moustafa: You’re talking in a very holistic angle.
Moustafa: So how do you bring the passion back when it’s lost? And this is a tough one it’s very easy to practice what you’re saying when people are fairly in love and in line then they can find that.
Moustafa: They would work.
Moustafa: But when the connection is broken and it’s lost, how do you bring back the passion into the relationship?
Kika: So that’s it, that’s the everyday life, right? So, so I coach a lot of couples for the, for at least a decade. I’ve been coaching couples to come back to love or back to their soul. Sometimes it’s too late to save your marriage and you have to save your soul, right?
Kika: So, when we can save the marriage, we can go, okay, so do you have enough time when you get home to disconnect from work and connect home.
Kika: That’s a big thing, because people don’t take time to transition between work and home, and giving that space.
Kika: Are we talking about what’s bothering us? Are we being present? Let’s say we’re here, we’ve been together for 5 years and this relationship has had some problems and we didn’t talk about it. We didn’t resolve our stuff. So here am I remembering that day that you pushed me like this and I didn’t like it and I’m holding it in my heart.
So you’re trying to touch me, you’re trying to make love to me, I’m starving for love! But I’m so sad, and so much in my shell. And instead of asking you what in a loving way, I would love if you would understand that I need to be treated a little more gently? Could you please just touch me in a gentle way?
Kika: Or and resolve the conflicts from the past. What happens is like most woman they speak to their man in a way that demanding love.
Kika: And they complain so much.
Kika: And if we instead of complain, ladies, can we just come into our heart and make a request and not a demand? And the difference is you’re willing to receive a no. But if you’re speaking from your heart in a loving way making your request, a man, can you come into your heart and, and just be with her because the nature of the man – the man wants to serve, the man wants to be there!
Kika: They thrived on making you happy. So if we give them directions in the loving way we could do it.
Moustafa: I love it! This is probably the best advice that I’ve ever heard in my life in a relationship.
Moustafa: So can you be, be truly in love even if you’re saying no? Be passionate about your no in a loving way?
Kika: Yeah and the other thing is like, “Okay, I don’t feel like making love tonight.” Right? And then this girl, “Well, let’s come to it as a practice. Let’s just hold each other and breathe together.”
Kika: May I hold your hand? Am not gonna get in trouble?
Kika: I’m single. I don’t know! I don’t wanna get in trouble! (laughs)
Moustafa: No. (laughs)
Kika: So if we just hold each other’s hands and then breathe together, it’s creating connection.
Kika: It’s looking for the things like, it’s okay! (laughs) So, so if we’re breathing together with the intention of creating connection.
Kika: Every thought, action or word out of you is creating connection or separation. How conscious are you about it? Like, are you connecting or you are separating?
Moustafa: Hmm I love that!
Kika: And so one advice for couples this, this change marriages, this has changed lives! One thing you can do, 10 sincere appreciations to your partner everyday. Sincere. Something that you authentically appreciate. Thank you for making me breakfast. Thank you for being here. Thank you for being in the house. Thank you for not leaving me. (laughs)
Kika: Thank you…whatever it is that that you can make authentic appreciation. You start to remember why you love him. They start to receive you. It will take some time. Their heart open…
Kika: Connection starts.
Moustafa: One of, one of the two taking relationship basically.
Kika: It’s about surrendering and being vulnerable.
Moustafa: But what if one surrenders and the other is in the fighting space?
Kika: Then you could start with the appreciation softening their hearts. Few wears the hurt sometimes, and the one is so tight, so hurt that we put all these body, I call it body armor where we are kind of like…
Kika: You can see some people right? People that are not making love? Their jaws taut…
Kika: They’re taut here. They’re talking to you like, a little tight…
Kika: They’re like…and then this like, we can, we can slowly ask questions and one thing you can go “How are you feeling? What are you feeling? What are you needing?”
Kika: If I ask to my partner “What are you feeling? What are you needing?” and sometimes you know “Tell me more! Tell me more!” It can go a long way.
Kika: Tell me more.
Moustafa: It sometimes dangerous to women. You say tell me more and then you get hours and hours and hours to end.
Kika: And then you like the lady, bring the fire and you go… (whistles)
Moustafa: (laughs) Okay.
Kika: Tell me more.
Kika: And she’ll get and then you reflect back to her what you heard. “I hear you’re very frustrated. I hear you didn’t like that I make noise in the garage last night. I can only imagine how frustrating that was for you.”
Kika: Really acknowledge her pain and her suffering. Most people want to be seen and understood.
Moustafa: Ah great! Awesome! That your passion for the topic is awesome! We could go on and on for hours.
Moustafa: And I believe that it’s a great start. I’d recommend to everybody to go to your website and look it up on the internet. You got amazing content. Kika, thank you very much for being here today!
Kika: Thank you.
Moustafa: And surely I really appreciate it. Thank you.
Kika: Keep being loved!
Moustafa and Kika: Passion!
Moustafa: I hope you found this episode as passionate as it is. Go look out Kika and share your opinion on the blog below and share this episode on social media. And if you’d like more tools, tips, techniques for a passionate life then go to my website, Moustafa.com. Until next episode, live passionately!